The end of a thing is better than its beginning...

"Better is the end of a thing than the beginning of it, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit." -Ecclesiates 7:8

Almost a year ago next month, I was at a black christian student conference. A woman told me (who is now my mentor) that God was telling me this verse. She said this after God had told me that I wasn't supposed to be with the guy I was with. I have been back in forth over the past year, us breaking up, being together...being disobedient.

Now.... almost a year later. I'm at the same place. And I see what God was trying to tell me before, the heartache he was trying to save me from.

God is so loving. He knew the mistakes I'd make that I would regret. He knew that I wasn't ready for the relationship that I thought I was ready for. He knew I'd hurt him. He knew he'd hurt me.  And He wanted to save me from that.

And now he looks at me. And he doesn't tell me , "I told you so," even though he probably should. He just keeps telling me about his grace and mercy. and how much he loves me. and how he will never leave me or forsake me. and how my weeping will only endure for a night & joy will come in the morning....

I love my ex. More than anything....sometimes even more than God. And I know that for us to be happy, we have to be apart. and it sucks so hard. Not knowing what will happen next.

But I don't know the answers anyway. I'm not in control of anything. And like the Word says, "the end of a things is better than its beginning."  God must have something amazing in store....

.....i just have to be patient & obedient....

I'm listening now God. I'm listening...

I just wanna be like you....

"I just wanna be like you, Walk like, talk like, even think like you The only one I could look to,  You’re teaching me to be just like ,Well I just gotta be like, I just gotta be like you" - "Just Like You" - Lecrae (Rehab Album)

What does that even look like? Looking like Jesus? Walking like him, talking like him? THINKING like him? I am good at being able to "walk" a lot of things out. In many areas of my like I can say no to things, walk away from things I don't agree with. Censor my words so I don't say things out of line.

But thinking like Jesus? That's my struggle. That's where the rubber hits the road. Because even if everything on the outside is looking good, looking like it lines up with God...my mind is a mess, a battle ground. There are so many casualties. I'm judging, I'm being angry, I'm cussing people out, I'm having sexual fantasies, I'm recreating all these past events....IN MY MIND. 

The Bible says that "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matthew 12:34) and I know that eventually that stuff seeps out little by little. And then I wonder, "OMG, why did i say that? Why did I do that?"  But it is so simple and clear... because it was in my heart. It was how I felt and what I was thinking.
But what if what was in the abundance of my heart were good, pure, holy things. What if my thought life lined up with Philippians 4:8-9?

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." (message version) 

 If it did...what would I look like? What would I talk like? How would I walk? How would I act?....

Just like him...Just like Jesus.

~K~